'Tis a Loooooooooong Entry, fa-la-la-la-laa...

The season of socially acceptable cheesy music is upon us. I am referring not, of course, to World Aids Day (today!), which in name alone reveals its startling potential to inspire multi-platinum artists to collaborate to raise “awareness.“ Picture the bizarreness of “We Are the World,” only aimed at AIDS instead of starvation. And without Ray Charles and Michael Jackson, because the former is dead and artists will want to distance themselves from the latter. Unless, of course, there’s a way to overdub Ray Charles using pre-recorded material. Then he would definitely be in. Add, oh, I don’t know... Sting, and probably Elton John. Stevie Wonder’s always in for a good cause. Then you’d need about 10-12 B-listers, including at least two American Idol rejects. Bring in the American ‘tween [I hate the word “’tween” more than I hate the word blog, I think] crowd with someone like Jessica Simpson, the country vote with Shania or Kenny Chesney, and add a dash of a ‘70s or ‘80s band for good measure. I’d say the BeeGee’s, but the one dude died. Umm, oh! Toto. They’re random enough. AND HEY! The song could be “Africa,” with altered words: “We’ll stop the AIIIDS down in Aaaafricaaaa.” Perfect. So in conclusion, we have Sting, Elton, Stevie, Jessica, Shania/Kenny, Toto, a from-the-grave Ray Charles using clips of previously recorded music, and an epic cast of two-hit-wonders and Idol rejects. Book the studio, baby, we’ve got a hit.

But I’m NOT talking about World Aids Day. In fact, I am talking about the run-up to Christmas. Disney World’s Christmas-factor was not nearly as high as I’d hoped. There were a few unnaturally tall and perfect (fake) trees spread throughout the various parks, and some wreaths and pine rope hung here and there. The music was Christmasy, but not the traditional brass-quintet and orchestra stuff I would have expected. At times, it verged startlingly close to Kenny G (more on him later). The Backlot at MGM was highly decorated, and featured fake snow. This, I will admit, exceeded my expectations somewhat. But no carolers on Main Street. No giant Santa hat atop a castle spire. Missed opportunities, Walt, missed opportunities.

The vacation, by the way, was good. The weather was warm, but not hot. I’ve reached the conclusion that one never really gets too old to enjoy Disney World per se, but one does get too old to tolerate the crowds. I was, at various point, struck in the ankles by every wheeled vehicle permitted in the park (except the Segways the security folks ride): wheelchairs, strollers, personal-mobility-enhancing-scooters, you name it. Seriously, there were too many of them. Strollers EVERYWHERE. Traffic ground to a halt at times for all the strollers parked outside rides. And at one overwhelmingly crowded point on our first day, my mother was completely knocked down by a fat woman on a personal-mobility-enhancing-scooter in “The Land” at Epcot Center, who, I might add, sped up before plowing into her. Literally adding insult to injury, her two equally obese companions then scolded my mother for not moving out of the scooter’s way (which, might I add, was impossible) more promptly. I’m putting that too politely, actually. Basically they bitched my mom out. “SHE SAID EXCUSE ME, YOU KNOW!”, one fat woman said in reference to her scooter-bound, fat-ass chum. The other fully-mobile fat woman said something too, but I don’t remember what. Suffice to say it was equally venomous in substance and tone. This shook mom up quite a bit. We were pretty uneasy about crowds from then on.

But again, I’m talking about Christmas. Jeez, people, stay on topic. There are three giant (real!) Christmas trees in the lobby of the building where I work, surrounding the newly-restored 1920’s-era Art Deco clock from Buffalo’s Central Terminal, an enormous architecturally impressive train station unused and un-maintained since the early 1970’s. These (the trees) make the atrium smell like pine, which is great. My office neighbor has switched from CDs of Rod Stewart singing the classic American songbook to various Christmas albums, which, especially now that it is December, is fine by me. At least I think so... I’m a little concerned that I will peak too early. See, you want the zenith of your Christmas spirit to occur on or around the 24th of December, so that by the time New Year’s rolls around and soft-rock radio stations switch back to their non-seasonal format, you’re ready for the change, having lived the Christmas season to its fullest potential. Peak too late and Christmas will fly by before you can really enjoy it. Peak too soon and you risk approaching Earth from too shallow an angle, causing you to bounce off the atmosphere and shoot back into space. And without enough fuel for a second attempt, you’d be in a pretty pickle there, friend, let me tell you! Indeed, overexposure to Christmas songs early in the month could lead to a hazardous situation, but for now it’s okay. I’ll keep you posted on any future problems related to the level of my Christmas spirit if they arise.